Sunday, April 11, 2010

How Far

Cave under pressure.  Do you? I do.  It feels like every time.  I know me.  Put too much on my shoulders and I cave.  "My strength is made perfect in weakness."  Really, Lord?  Because all it feels like is yet another failure. 

It's too hard.  I'm weary.  It's too much.  "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me." But I'm so tired.  "I will give you rest".  When?  It seems never ending.  I can't do it.

There's a chant through my head of all I need to do, all I'm not doing well enough, all I'm failing at and longing to instead succeed in doing.  The house, the meals, the kids, school, the important things.  Eating well and exercising to take care of the body you've given me.  I'm tired.  The guilt is so heavy.  I only get one shot at this and I'm failing, Lord.  I can't do it. 

There is nothing more important to me than being the wife and mother you have given me the privledge of being.  Help me, Father.  Help my unbelief, my doubts and my fear.  "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  I'm seeking.  Forgive me, please.  What I want do to I do not do and what I don't want to do, that's what I do!  My spirit is willing but my body is oh, so weak. 

Can you hear me, God?  Are you there?  Do you care?  I'm a speck of dirt on this earth, so undeserving.  So full of pride and still clinging to this life.  Life is so complex. Your gift is so simple and yet so incredibly hard to fathom.  I believe you sent your son. I believe He died for sinners and that I am that.  Forgive me, please.

Grant me your strength, your peace.  Dwell in me.  I need your wisdom.  I need you.  Change me.  Purify me.  Restore in me a clean heart.  Amen.