Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I am not weak.  I am an emotional being who feels things deeply.  Sometimes more deeply than those around me.  It is time I learn and live knowing that while others may not feel as deeply and may be completely uncomfortable with the level to which I do feel things that does not mean I am weak and they are strong or that they are right and I am wrong.  If they are uncomfortable because of my emotions I can respect that and them but I do not have to suppress my emotions and feelings because of their belief.  It is their issue. Not mine. 

To suppress completely the way I feel is to deny who God made me to be.  I have been trying to do this.  I have been trying to live with my feelings and emotions separated from what I believe so that I would be strong.  It's not working.  I'm not strong because of it, if anything I am weak.  Ironic, no? 

Feelings are not what most decisions should be made by.  I know that, and I will continue to live by that.  However, what has been happening to me is that my faith has been shaken as I tried to isolate my emotions.  Knowledge without faith is dead.  I choose to believe.

I can not not feel.  I can not not care.  I have tried and it bursts out anyway.  But where I have been successful at resisting feelings, in my faith, there are dangerous and terrifying results.  My faith is shaken.  I know in my head and accept it as true, but there are doubts there.  I reject them.  I won't continue to live this way separating my heart from my life.  It didn't work.  I do feel.  I'd rather live and feel than half live and not feel.  It hurts.  It's exhausting.  Sometimes it does make me crazy but it does not mean I am weak, unless by that you mean that I am weak so that He is strong in me. 

Now, I'm going to go spend some time reading God's word and beg Him to speak to me.  To ask him to talk to my parched heart.  To renew in me a clean heart and restore to me the joy of my salvation.  I choose to believe.  I'll also be asking Him to forgive me for trying to deny who He made me to be.  I believe.  Lord, help my unbelief.