Friday, August 6, 2010

Better Today

Last night it was as if the storm clouds moved on.  The darkness isn't hovering over my spirit now.  Just like after a storm is done it's a little cool, tentatively warming up to goodness.  I'm just so thankful the bleakness is gone.  The problems are the same, my attitude, my spirit is better.  Even knowing I'm walking into a weekend (work, not a fun thing).  Then a week at the cottages (more work, different kind).  And that I don't get to take the girls to the VBS I wanted to, nor do I get my mornings kid free next week to finish prepping for school.  It's ok.  I'd love it if God popped a surprise for me and *poof* it worked out to do the VBS afterall, but I'm ok with not.

Last night after work I wanted something sweet.  It was either going to be brownies or chocolate chip cookies.  Well, my middle girl had napped earlier in the day while reading her Bible.  Tim understood what I meant when I mentioned it and he went to her room and told her I needed her in the kitchen.  She and I baked cookies. She talked, I listened. 

Mommy brag.  My girls have the sweetest hearts.  They are so thoughtful of each other when one is getting a treat they are constantly thinking of their sisters.  So I wasn't surprised when she asked if she could go see if the oldest was up so she could come be with us.  This time I said no.  It was one on one time for the two of us.  She smiled and started talking. . .she didn't stop talking until she was in bed.  Wonder where she gets that? HA ha.

Oldest smelled the cookies baking and heard the talking.  The lure of the combination was too much, she had to come see what was going on.  So at 10 p.m. last night we had a picnic on my bed with warm chocolate chip cookies and cold glasses of milk. 

This afternoon a friend is coming to help us get started sewing the girls Pioneer dresses!! We picked out the fabric months ago.  It's washed, but I need to iron the fabric still.  I'm SO looking forward to it! :D  Oh, and I guess we should locate sharp scissors so we can cut the pattern out too.  This is going to be fun.  When they are done we will plan a trip to Blackcreek Pioneer Village.  This is the culmination of our last year study through A Pioneer Story by Barbara Greenwood. 

I just remembered that the Staples Teacher Appreciation days are coming up.  Silly as it is I'm looking forward to that.  We need a few packages of white paper, I love the goodie bag they give to teachers.  Even more, I love that they recognize Homeschool parents as Teachers! The 10% off is nice too, and the coupon book is fun.  The click dry erase marker they gave in the goodie bag last year is my favorite one. I went back and bought a 4 pack of black because I like it so much. 

I do believe I feel a little excited about starting the school year.  God is good.  So glad the sun is coming out in my soul, even if it is a rainy day here in Ontario today.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Jumping In

I'm really  not a sit around and wait for things to change kind of girl.  I'm more of a think of something and then DO IT.  Sometimes something occurs to me and I think, "I want to _____" but I don't do it right away, then all of the sudden something clicks and I just do it. 

Today I have been fighting feeling blue all day.  Same as yesterday.  I know it's hormonal but it's still a fight.  I've cleaned things I've wanted to be cleaned. Like the top of the fridge.  And the counter.  I hate having every inch covered with something, it's driving me nuts.  So I found room in the cupboards for the containers and emptied expired vitamin bottles to make room for cereal and ta'da! more counter space.  I wanted to clear the top of the pantry cupboard.  It's not clear but it is tidy and I'm satisfied for the moment.  I rearranged the pictures of the fridge ditching ones that were o-l-d.  Throwing out magnets to things I have no interest in.  It looks much nicer now.

And then I saw a friends post about concluding leading Financial Peace University.  Tim and I had talked about hosting one a year or more ago.  We talked about it but never did it.  I didn't request the info because A. my house was messy and did I really want to invite strangers in?  B. When on earth could we do it? Most are done weeknights.  C. there is no "c" those are the reasons.  So today I went on the website and requested information.  I didn't commit us to anything, just asked for info about leading it.  Then I called Tim and made sure that was ok.  As usual he's fine with it, since I didn't commit.  We'll look over the info together and then decide if it will work.  I think it will.

I've Dave Ramsey's books.  Living it is what I suck at.  Choosing to do it, it's HARD.  Harder than anything else other than losing weight.  It's equal to that, imo.  So possibly this October we will open our home, something I actually really enjoy doing, and host a Financial Peace University class.  We'll see, as Tim likes to say. 

So it's the middle of the day.  I've had coffee, ibuprofen, cold medicine, and chocolate and my spirits are up a bit.  I'm diving in!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's Probably Hormones but. . . . .

this bowl of spaghetti is making me crazy.  Ya know how there's that comparison of men are waffles and women are spaghetti?  My spaghetti is making me crazy.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a husband who loves me unconditionally.  Children who are healthy and wonderful, full of joy and laughter.  A home that is warm in winter and cool in the summer.  We have food in the fridge and freezer and cupboards.  My parents are alive and well.  Tim's parents are alive and well.  My grandparents are alive and well!  My sisters and brother are married to good people and have wonderful children.  I have so much.

Right this minute my oldest is teaching herself to play piano.  My youngest is sharing her paper and craft supplies with the neighbor boy.  The sun is shining outside and there's a breeze.  A box of lovely new clothes came for my girls today from my mom.  I have so much. 

Three years ago yesterday we buried my nephew Cade.  I've held his little brother Connor.  I've kissed Connor and cuddled him, changed his diaper and swooned when he smiled.  I have pictures of Connor on my computer and am loving watching him grow.  I have pictures of Cade on my computer too but I will never, on this earth get to hug him.  He will never grow.  He will never blow out birthday candles, ride a two wheeler, smart mouth his mom, smile and melt my heart or grow into a man.  I will meet him in heaven and am thankful he is not in pain, I really am.  But right now my heart hurts and I miss him. Spaghetti.

I've been an idiot with our finances.  It embarrasses me to admit it and pride makes me want to pretend everything is fine.  God is good, he provides all our needs, and I believe he will continue to.  My greatest frustration and embarrassment is my continued foolishness.  Everything is not fine at the moment.  In anger I'd like to lash out and blame Tim.  He's the man of the house, it's his responsability! He should tell me no, he should manage our finances, he should. . . . . .he should be able to trust his wife to bring him good and not harm all the days of his life.  Spaghetti.

Fall is coming, another school year.  I want so much to do an excellent job teaching our girls.  They are smart, talented, and ready to learn.  I am amazed that I have this opportunity, but I want more.  I don't want to leave our home to work.  That makes me tired.  It sucks the energy out of me.  I have in my head a picture of the lovely home, and the things we will do in it, the school we will have.  Fall scents, cinnamon scented candles, walks collecting leaves, piano lessons, guitar, art, latin, to go along with our three R's.   Spaghetti.

I am excited about implementing the Charlotte Mason philosophy of education this year purposefully.  I've been doing it accidentally up to now.  This life of learning is right for us, for the girls.  It is going to stretch me and I'm afraid.  School done school like is easier.  Workbooks, fill in the blank questions, and the such are much more orderly and preferable to me, but they are not what's best for my children.  I'm going to need to listen to my children.  I'm not good at that.  I'm going to need to be present, and part of me is terrified that I will fail in this.  The larger part of me thrills in the potential and screams YES!  This is how to do what I want to do, teach them to love learning.  This is how I can fill them with confidence in who they are as God's children and help them grow into the women he created them to be.   Spaghetti.

I'm melancholy today, I'm sure you can tell.  I'm sure it's hormone driven.  It happens about once a month and I long for the days when I do not feel a sadness and hopelessness.  I like the days when I am cheerful and energetic.  Like the summer days they make me smile.  I feel content and ready to take on whatever may come. 

Today tears are at the back of my throat and need little coaxing to come to my eyes.  A book, a sentence, a blog post, a thought and they are there.  I shove them down. I don't want to cry for me.  But I've also told myself that no matter what other people think I need to feel and let myself feel.  So I am working at letting the tears come.  I'm working on not letting them drown me and pull me down deeper.  But I suppressing them doesn't help either.  Spaghetti.

I don't even really like spaghetti.  I'd much prefer chocolate.  Wouldn't it be nice if women were like a chocolate bar?  All melted into one but able to keep things in sections a bit more with it all together underneath.  Sweet and warm, giving pleasure and contentment.  If I were a chocolate bar I'd be a Symphony bar, the one with toffee and nuts.  I can be sticky and sweet and am often slightly nutty.  Today I'd be a melted chocolate bar, but a true chocolate lover wouldn't care.  Just let it firm up a bit and it'll be fine.

Give me some time to chill and I'll be fine too, but for right now I'm a mess. ;)