Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Two Weeks Passed

  It amazes me how quickly the body can heal and how life goes on.  The heart is not so quickly healed but the pain isn't as strong even just fifteen days later.  In the days that have passed I have paid more attention to the little ones around me.  I've enjoyed their laughter, their hugs, their smiles.  I can't say I've enjoyed the nights awake with the 16 month old, but I have treasured the cuddles event then. 

  Friends ask me if I am ok.  How to answer that and not lie?  Yes, I am ok. . I am. And then again, no. No, I'm not.  Most of the time I am. But there are moments when I see a post of an ultrasound picture, or a newborn, or an announcement of pregnancy that feel like a punch and a shove.  I can go for hours and not even think about how I'm not pregnant anymore, or about what week I would be and what the development would be.  Sometimes I can even be grateful that I'm not feeling sick and that my mind is more clear than when I am pregnant. 

  The moments I am not ok take my by surprise. They make me catch my breath and I lose focus for a moment. I want to turn and run. I want to punch something or curl into a ball and just disappear.  Thankfully they do not outnumber the moments when I am ok.

  Through stories of others who have been through hard times, some even more difficult than I can fathom, I have been encouraged.  They have survived. I can too.  God has been faithful. He will be to me too.  There is hope.  All is not lost.  My girls are proof of that.  Four beautiful, healthy, amazing children. I am so blessed and so rich. 

  Hard times are still coming.  I was so looking forward to October being over and hoped for happier and more bountiful things in November.  When November came in and that hope was utterly destroyed I have to say as a result my faith in December is not very strong.  My hope is not for better or for plentiful, but simply to hang on to being faithful, to trust and not give in.  To put my faith in God no matter what trails and hardships come our way.  The first of which is letting go of our planned family trip to Florida. 

  I know some people have looked at my life and felt I am blessed and have not suffered. They think that everything in my life goes right.  The first time someone told me that I almost fell over.  They said my life was so easy and that they were jealous! Oh my word!!  May I offer a caution?  When you look at someone's life and assume that they have no trouble, you are wrong.  They may not have shared their heartache with you, but know that they have had it.  They may be a very private person (unlike me, ha ha), and simply not be willing to voice the suffering they have survived.  One thing is true, no one in this life walks through it untouched.  Sin is here and so is suffering.  Only when Christ returns will there be complete peace without pain.

  My heart's desire after losing the baby is to be a better mom to the children I have and especially to better model trusting God.  It's a lot harder to live than to say!  The best I can do is to keep trying.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Praise Him In The Storm

I haven't blogged in a long time.  Last year I kept a private journal.  I haven't done that for awhile either and I am finding a deep desire to write and have the potential of someone reading it, if only to know someone hears me.  I'm not going to do a catch up this post but may later.

  Here's where I am.  Shattered. Broken.  At the end of me and then some. Wondering what it looks like to come up better from the ashes and if it is possible or will I turn out to be more cold and bitter from this?  I don't dare ask how it could get any worse because I know full well it could.  That it is. For so many woman and children all over the world I have nothing, nothing,  to complain about.  But none-the-less I am hurting and thank God, He is not comparing me. He just sees me.

  He knew, that afternoon just a couple of weeks ago when I took the test and there were two lines.  Positive.  I knew it!  He knew.  A gift. A miracle.  At  crazy time in our life when Tim's job is ending and life is about to get harder than we have ever known it, a sparkle of hope and joy.  A baby!!  We talked, laughed, cried, worried, and tried to figure out where in our tiny house we would fit 5, FIVE children!! 

  Then, Saturday. He knew.  I was thankful for the lack of sickness and yet worried, but had let it go deciding to just accept and be thankful.  But the signs that had assured me I was right. . .well, on Saturday I became aware when the spotting started that those signs were gone.  My sense of smell had lessened to normal. I didn't gag when brushing my teeth.  I wasn't so exhausted all I wanted was a nap.  And I hurt. Sunday I worked and it got worse.  By Monday when I called the Dr. I knew.  I knew deep down that our baby was gone.  Tuesday morning it was. 

  Where was God then?  I know He is with me.  It is amazing how alone, and lonely we can feel even knowing that the presence of God is there.  I know He is here. I know it.  But I can't feel it.  The song from Casting Crowns, "Praise You In The Storm", keeps running through my mind. We heard it at my nephew's funeral six years ago.  It is still true.  I will lift my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. Despite not understanding a tiny bit how or why he could give us a gift only to take it back before we ever heard the heartbeat, I will praise Him.  Despite fearing that life might never again be fully ok, I will Praise Him.  As tears run down my cheeks and my heart is shattered, I will Praise Him.  HE IS GOOD.  I can not see what He sees yet I will trust Him. 


God has been good to me.  My husband loves me.  We have four beautiful, healthy girls.  We have clothes to wear, food to eat, and a place to sleep at night. All our needs have been met and we have been blessed abundantly.  I know God will provide.  I know that His plan is better than mine could ever be although I will never understand it.  I will praise Him.  In everything I give thanks.