The colorful lights on our Christmas tree are glowing in the semi-darkness of our living room. The tree is enormous, so much bigger than it looked in the parking lot of the grocery store where we bough it. I think it doubled in size on the way home. It's a gorgeous blue spruce that makes me a little sad that it's only going to be beautiful a few weeks longer.
When we first were married I loved decorating our tree with the ornaments from our wedding. All burgundy and gold and green. Gold bows and white lights looked so pretty and together. Over the last twelve Christmas's (we didn't even have a tree our first year in our home, but we had two at our wedding!) we've added childish ornaments. Handmade angels, snowmen, stars, and a special ornament picked out each year for each of the girls. That makes up a lot of ornaments. None of them match, but they are all a fun memory of a year gone by. This year thanks to a good friend the girls and I have an ornament purchased at Disney, in remembrance our family vacation last year. (The one I wish we were experiencing again! lol)
On the top of the tree is my daughter's red angel. She loves it. It fits, so it's there. My gorgeous angel with brocade and gold lace is too tall with this tree to fit.
On our coffee table are not one but two nativity scenes all with the glass figures centered around the baby in the manger. The angel, my tree topper angel is looking down on all of them.
There are five stockings strewn around the room. My youngest is so curious as to what I will put in hers and what I will put in daddy's and can she help? (no, lol) There are gifts already wrapped and under the tree and I have more in my room waiting to be wrapped. It's a bit of a mess out here and I'm too tired to clean it up right now.
So blessed.
My three beautiful girls are watching television with their daddy. They are cuddled around him on our bed. I think now it's Myth Busters. My youngest was out here in the living room with me for awhile, playing game on my phone.
Thirteen years ago I dreamed of today and had no idea what it would really be like. It's not what I hoped, not what I expected. Rarely are the things God gives me actually what I thought I wanted. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes I'm disappointed. But for better or worse, this is where we are today, now. Where will I sit thirteen years from now? My heart trips as I think of that and I push the thought aside. I don't want to know. I just want to enjoy today and wait and see what tomorrow brings.
Thirteen years ago today was the last day of my life as Sara Burks. Thirteen years ago tomorrow I became Sara Adams. So blessed.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I have a Keurig!
That's all really. :)
I sent a text to my mom this afternoon to tell her the girls gifts had arrived. So she called me. I ended up calling her back using our MagicJack and while we were on the phone another knock at the door came. Tim answered it and walked back into our bedroom where I was chatting on the phone carrying a HUGE box. It said Keurig on it.
So I said to mom, "Did you buy me a Keurig?" She said. "Yes." I almost cried. I did tear up. A few minutes later, more chatting and Tim tells me that I should tell her it just came. I figured she knew, forgetting she can't see what I see. So I told her that when I asked her that Tim has just walked in carrying the box.
I think it made her day to have been on the phone with me and heard my reaction when I saw it. We talked for a few more minutes then i told her I needed to go since I wanted a coffee. LOL It came with 18 flavors to try. We went to the grocery store to pick up two other flavors I'd seen but didn't buy since I didn't own a machine and it sure wasn't going to be purchased by me this Christmas. Wow.
I love it. Tomorrow we're going to the city and will check out some more cool flavors, some hot chocolate, and teas even. I can't believe it. We have a Keurig!
I sent a text to my mom this afternoon to tell her the girls gifts had arrived. So she called me. I ended up calling her back using our MagicJack and while we were on the phone another knock at the door came. Tim answered it and walked back into our bedroom where I was chatting on the phone carrying a HUGE box. It said Keurig on it.
So I said to mom, "Did you buy me a Keurig?" She said. "Yes." I almost cried. I did tear up. A few minutes later, more chatting and Tim tells me that I should tell her it just came. I figured she knew, forgetting she can't see what I see. So I told her that when I asked her that Tim has just walked in carrying the box.
I think it made her day to have been on the phone with me and heard my reaction when I saw it. We talked for a few more minutes then i told her I needed to go since I wanted a coffee. LOL It came with 18 flavors to try. We went to the grocery store to pick up two other flavors I'd seen but didn't buy since I didn't own a machine and it sure wasn't going to be purchased by me this Christmas. Wow.
I love it. Tomorrow we're going to the city and will check out some more cool flavors, some hot chocolate, and teas even. I can't believe it. We have a Keurig!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Christmas Past
I used to love Christmas. The pretty houses with colored lights with reflections that sparkled on the snow making streets that most of the year look plain and boring look like a carnival could happen at any moment. Cutting down a Christmas tree and hauling it in the house. It's branches and sap filling our home with it's fresh tangy scent. Talking about the ornaments as we hung them on the branches, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. Dad getting frustrated with the lights and sometimes a little angry. Kids fighting over who got to hang which ornament.
I loved thinking of what I could give and buying the best I could. Making pictures, making ornaments. Trying so hard to make or find something special for those I love. Desiring to give a gift that would be treasured.
I loved singing carols and listening to them. Christmas music surrounds you no matter where you go! From the Nutcracker Suite and Handles Messiah to Joy to the World and yes, even Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, I loved it.
At school I remember anticipating the Christmas story they would play over the intercom, bit by bit each morning for the weeks leading up to Christmas break. The Christmas story, Jesus birth story came to life for me as I listened to the story played out in a radio theater style.
Somewhere in the growing up though something began to drain away. I began to notice things about Christmas. Like the disappointment in a gift given just to say a gift had been given. Something that didn't suit me and showed that the person who I thought knew me, really didn't. A gift that was almost what I wanted and fit the description of what was asked for but missed the mark by being a cheaper version than hoped for, or just wrong by color or brand because that version was less expensive. Almost what was asked for, but not quite. Sometimes leaving me with the feeling that I'm almost worth it, but not quite.
I noticed that the family I looked forward to spending time around sometimes didn't like being around each other. And sometimes I didn't want to be around them. Yet I loved it still.
Christmas eve, years and years of Christmas Eve together with the Wheats and Grandma Burks. Delicious foods to fill our stomachs, followed by hours of playing with cousins and the endless waiting for SIX O'CLOCK, the present hour! Listening to Luke 2 as my dad read the Christmas story out in his deep pastor voice. "And it came to pass in those days. . . ." Gifts opened and treasured. Books to read! Gum! Chocolates! A china doll, a favorite perfume! Watching others open their gifts and watching their eyes light up with pleasure. So many happy memories. I honestly thought they would last forever. Kid's do think that.
But they don't. Kids grow into adults and move away. Traditions turn into treasured memories.
I used to love Christmas.
I loved Christmas so much that I chose to have a Christmas wedding. Christmas trees on either side of the stage, white lights and poinsettia's as decorations. Green, burgundy and gold were our wedding colors and Christmas decorations were the decorations for the reception hall, the tables covered in pine boughs. A Christmas dinner with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc. was our dinner. I loved Christmas.
I don't love Christmas anymore. Shhhhh! Don't say that too loudly!
But it's true. I don't love it. I'm disenchanted, tired of being hurt. Tired of being disappointed. I don't know what to do exactly. Do I even want it back? What I thought was Christmas wasn't. Not really.
Do you know that my 11.5 year old only realized this past November that Christmas has the word CHRIST in it?! I thought she knew. We've talked about it being a celebration of Christ's birth, not the actual day of course but a celebration of the day regardless of what calendar date he arrived. We've read Luke 2. She's been in church her entire life. She's homeschooled!! which is supposed to make kids holier. (Total tongue in cheek there and dripping with sarcasm.) How could she not know?
Perhaps because the focus is not on Christ. No matter what we say, it's just not. It's on gifts. It's on family. It's on food and fun and none of those things are wrong! Not a single one. But the holiday (holy day) Christmas (Christ Mass) is no longer a true time of worship. There are some out there who do worship and a few to whom it is still that, but let's be honest. Even for believers, followers of Christ, Christmas is no longer truly about Christ. It's just not. And our actions, our shopping, our stressing, our bank statement all tell the truth even if we won't.
To be continued. (maybe)
I loved thinking of what I could give and buying the best I could. Making pictures, making ornaments. Trying so hard to make or find something special for those I love. Desiring to give a gift that would be treasured.
I loved singing carols and listening to them. Christmas music surrounds you no matter where you go! From the Nutcracker Suite and Handles Messiah to Joy to the World and yes, even Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, I loved it.
At school I remember anticipating the Christmas story they would play over the intercom, bit by bit each morning for the weeks leading up to Christmas break. The Christmas story, Jesus birth story came to life for me as I listened to the story played out in a radio theater style.
Somewhere in the growing up though something began to drain away. I began to notice things about Christmas. Like the disappointment in a gift given just to say a gift had been given. Something that didn't suit me and showed that the person who I thought knew me, really didn't. A gift that was almost what I wanted and fit the description of what was asked for but missed the mark by being a cheaper version than hoped for, or just wrong by color or brand because that version was less expensive. Almost what was asked for, but not quite. Sometimes leaving me with the feeling that I'm almost worth it, but not quite.
I noticed that the family I looked forward to spending time around sometimes didn't like being around each other. And sometimes I didn't want to be around them. Yet I loved it still.
Christmas eve, years and years of Christmas Eve together with the Wheats and Grandma Burks. Delicious foods to fill our stomachs, followed by hours of playing with cousins and the endless waiting for SIX O'CLOCK, the present hour! Listening to Luke 2 as my dad read the Christmas story out in his deep pastor voice. "And it came to pass in those days. . . ." Gifts opened and treasured. Books to read! Gum! Chocolates! A china doll, a favorite perfume! Watching others open their gifts and watching their eyes light up with pleasure. So many happy memories. I honestly thought they would last forever. Kid's do think that.
But they don't. Kids grow into adults and move away. Traditions turn into treasured memories.
I used to love Christmas.
I loved Christmas so much that I chose to have a Christmas wedding. Christmas trees on either side of the stage, white lights and poinsettia's as decorations. Green, burgundy and gold were our wedding colors and Christmas decorations were the decorations for the reception hall, the tables covered in pine boughs. A Christmas dinner with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc. was our dinner. I loved Christmas.
I don't love Christmas anymore. Shhhhh! Don't say that too loudly!
But it's true. I don't love it. I'm disenchanted, tired of being hurt. Tired of being disappointed. I don't know what to do exactly. Do I even want it back? What I thought was Christmas wasn't. Not really.
Do you know that my 11.5 year old only realized this past November that Christmas has the word CHRIST in it?! I thought she knew. We've talked about it being a celebration of Christ's birth, not the actual day of course but a celebration of the day regardless of what calendar date he arrived. We've read Luke 2. She's been in church her entire life. She's homeschooled!! which is supposed to make kids holier. (Total tongue in cheek there and dripping with sarcasm.) How could she not know?
Perhaps because the focus is not on Christ. No matter what we say, it's just not. It's on gifts. It's on family. It's on food and fun and none of those things are wrong! Not a single one. But the holiday (holy day) Christmas (Christ Mass) is no longer a true time of worship. There are some out there who do worship and a few to whom it is still that, but let's be honest. Even for believers, followers of Christ, Christmas is no longer truly about Christ. It's just not. And our actions, our shopping, our stressing, our bank statement all tell the truth even if we won't.
To be continued. (maybe)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I had a dream
I had a dream, a vision for our family before I married. I wanted our home to be the place the kids loved to come. I envisioned a room big enough for a television for movies, maybe a pool table. A stable maybe with a couple of horses, a basketball net with a slab of concrete and lines painted on. A fun place to be.
I had a dream of a church where people knew our names, our first names. Knew us and we knew them. Where I knew if someone was hurting and could send them a card or stop for a visit. I'd hear if someone were sick and could take them a meal. Of a church where they preached God's love, and His word and Sunday mornings especially were dedicated to worshipping Him. A church that had meals together, spent time together, cried together, laughed together, lived as the body of christ.
I had a dream for my children of friends for them. A dream of a best friend for each of them. Someone to talk to and confide in to encourage them. A friend who loves God the way they do and is the iron to their iron sharpening each other.
I have a home. I have children. They have friends. But none of those dreams have become reality. Sometimes, reality just sucks. I feel like venting here and letting all the vile things in my head and chest out right now but I'm repressing it.
I have a higher standard than most people do. That's just the truth of it. When it comes to my kids and what I want for them my goals, visions, ideas of what is right and good for them are not running parallel to culture, and YEP I mean Christians in that statement because to tell you the truth I do not see a difference anymore worth mentioning between most "christians" and those who have never claimed to be one.
I had a dream of a church where people knew our names, our first names. Knew us and we knew them. Where I knew if someone was hurting and could send them a card or stop for a visit. I'd hear if someone were sick and could take them a meal. Of a church where they preached God's love, and His word and Sunday mornings especially were dedicated to worshipping Him. A church that had meals together, spent time together, cried together, laughed together, lived as the body of christ.
I had a dream for my children of friends for them. A dream of a best friend for each of them. Someone to talk to and confide in to encourage them. A friend who loves God the way they do and is the iron to their iron sharpening each other.
I have a home. I have children. They have friends. But none of those dreams have become reality. Sometimes, reality just sucks. I feel like venting here and letting all the vile things in my head and chest out right now but I'm repressing it.
I have a higher standard than most people do. That's just the truth of it. When it comes to my kids and what I want for them my goals, visions, ideas of what is right and good for them are not running parallel to culture, and YEP I mean Christians in that statement because to tell you the truth I do not see a difference anymore worth mentioning between most "christians" and those who have never claimed to be one.
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