I haven't blogged in a long time. Last year I kept a private journal. I haven't done that for awhile either and I am finding a deep desire to write and have the potential of someone reading it, if only to know someone hears me. I'm not going to do a catch up this post but may later.
Here's where I am. Shattered. Broken. At the end of me and then some. Wondering what it looks like to come up better from the ashes and if it is possible or will I turn out to be more cold and bitter from this? I don't dare ask how it could get any worse because I know full well it could. That it is. For so many woman and children all over the world I have nothing, nothing, to complain about. But none-the-less I am hurting and thank God, He is not comparing me. He just sees me.
He knew, that afternoon just a couple of weeks ago when I took the test and there were two lines. Positive. I knew it! He knew. A gift. A miracle. At crazy time in our life when Tim's job is ending and life is about to get harder than we have ever known it, a sparkle of hope and joy. A baby!! We talked, laughed, cried, worried, and tried to figure out where in our tiny house we would fit 5, FIVE children!!
Then, Saturday. He knew. I was thankful for the lack of sickness and yet worried, but had let it go deciding to just accept and be thankful. But the signs that had assured me I was right. . .well, on Saturday I became aware when the spotting started that those signs were gone. My sense of smell had lessened to normal. I didn't gag when brushing my teeth. I wasn't so exhausted all I wanted was a nap. And I hurt. Sunday I worked and it got worse. By Monday when I called the Dr. I knew. I knew deep down that our baby was gone. Tuesday morning it was.
Where was God then? I know He is with me. It is amazing how alone, and lonely we can feel even knowing that the presence of God is there. I know He is here. I know it. But I can't feel it. The song from Casting Crowns, "Praise You In The Storm", keeps running through my mind. We heard it at my nephew's funeral six years ago. It is still true. I will lift my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. Despite not understanding a tiny bit how or why he could give us a gift only to take it back before we ever heard the heartbeat, I will praise Him. Despite fearing that life might never again be fully ok, I will Praise Him. As tears run down my cheeks and my heart is shattered, I will Praise Him. HE IS GOOD. I can not see what He sees yet I will trust Him.
Do you hear me Satan?! I CHOOSE TO TRUST!! I CHOOSE TO OBEY!! I CHOOSE TO PRAISE!!
God has been good to me. My husband loves me. We have four beautiful, healthy girls. We have clothes to wear, food to eat, and a place to sleep at night. All our needs have been met and we have been blessed abundantly. I know God will provide. I know that His plan is better than mine could ever be although I will never understand it. I will praise Him. In everything I give thanks.