Made For More

  Deep inside I've longed to extra good at something.  I've dreamed of discovering something no one else has ever found or thought of before.  I wanted to be the BEST at something, anything.  But my reality is I'm really good at being average at a lot of things.  Yet inside there is still a desire for more, to be more. 

Sometimes that desire feels like pride.  When I think less of others and more of myself it IS pride.  But pride and desire are twisted here and I haven't been seeing clearly.  Earlier this week I started reading a book called Made To Crave and today's chapter was Made for More.  It struck a chord in me.  YES! My heart cried out, yes, please.  I have felt this way for so long!

Tired of failing and yet too stubborn to give up completely I had come awfully close, am still awfully close to the edge of just that.  I've failed for thirty-some years.  My want-to has gone rogue.  But still my heart longs to be more.  To belong. 

Ephesians 1:17-19 says, "I keep asking that the God our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." 

The emphasis are mine.  Paul kept asking. PAUL kept asking.  Paul, who God appeared to, who was so good at being God's that he sometimes annoys me, kept asking.  He didn't stop. He didn't just ask once.  I'm not annoying him by continuing to ask, and unlike me when my kids pester, he's not sick of hearing from me. 

"So that you may know him better" this is also my prayer.  Please, can I know you?  I am so distrustful of touchy feely churchy things right now but still my heart longs for all that I've been taught to be real.  If He does want to be known by me and not just those elite perfect ones, then I am willing and do want that too! 

Open the eyes of my heart Lord is a song I still love to sing despite how old it is.  Please do enlighten the eyes of my heart, let me see the hope that you've called me to.  Riches of his glorious inheritance and his great power sounds almost to good to be true.  I'm going to walk this way, talk this way and pray this way though. 

If I can win just a few battles.  If I can get some success instead of failure under my belt.  If He will grant me the wisdom, courage, and strength to defeat some of the strongholds in my life I know that my faith will be restored.  Perhaps even rebuilt is a better term for it.  So my prayer for today is that the eyes of my heart will be enlightened. That I will see Him and learn more of Him, not just about Him.  I believe that I am made for more.

Can People Change?

Can I change? This is on my mind right now.  As I mentioned in my last blog I read through a devotion journal and saw that my struggles then are still my struggles now.  So my thoughts have turned to wondering if what I've believed to be true really is.  That God changes people.  Does he? Always? 

Because from where I'm sitting, I'm sincerely wanting to change, and have been for 10 years.  The same desire to change the same things.  Working on it, praying about it, feeling like there is hope and then I turn around and look and nope, not really a change.  Same issues. 

So is it me?  Is there something wrong with me? I don't have enough faith, or I don't want it enough?  Is it God.  Does he really promise to change people? 

Right now I keep flipping mentally back to Paul.  His thorn in the side. God didn't remove it from him. Whether that thorn was physical, or spiritual is highly debated.  Regardless, he wanted it gone and God didn't move it.  

If these things that I want to change, and they are things that would be good change, haven't changed after so long trying will they ever?    If you've read this blog at all you can probably name them.  The big 3.  My handling of money, my weight and my diligence with teaching the girls.  

Is there hope?  Right now I just don't know.  I'm swinging back and forth between my upbringing which says, "Of course! There is always hope! God changes hearts." and my reality right now which is, "Nope.  I don't see evidence for me that I can or will change permanently." 

Not a fun place to be but here I sit.  Here I think.  I want my faith that I can change, back.  But I don't want an empty, hollow faith in that, I want proof, real life evidence that I can and will change.  It's the middle of the day so it's not a midnight mood.  Hormones probably are playing a part, they always are, aren't they?  Nonetheless this is where I am. 

Here We Go Again

There are three major sins in my life I don't know if I will ever have victory over.  I've spent the last few days reading The Screwtape Letters and once again they spoke to me.  These things I struggle with are sin.  Pure and simple, basic and evil.  I am a child of God.  I am not tied to my sin any longer.  Jesus died on the cross to set me free from these sins!! So why am I still struggling with them?  Can and will God use them to strengthen me?  Is it possible that instead of considering them something that defeats me they could possibly be tools in use to strengthen me?

My weight. I've thought I was fat for most of my life, since about the age of 15.  I've only truly been overweight for the last ten.  I've lost 40lbs and gained it all back with friends.  It's to the point where my youngest has asked me if I'm having a baby and when I told her no she told me she was pretty sure I was because my tummy was so big.  Ouch.  She also told me yesterday that she likes me when I'm smaller. Worse yet, my girls are growing up knowing and watching me struggle with food!! This is important! 

Taking care of the body God has given me is important! Enjoying the food he created but not being a glutton is important.  Teaching my girls to eat healthy foods that fuel their body rather than junk foods that wear it down.  This is important too.

Spending.  The Proverbs are filled with cautions about getting wisdom, getting understanding.  They warn again and against being foolish.  And the last one talks about a wife.  The one verse that really gets me talks about how she will do him good and not evil all the days of his life.  I want that to be ME! 

Pride.  Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.  There are so many ways I am prideful.  So many various little veins of pride that need squashing!   From my home, to my children, my spirituality (seriously?!), and my abilities, it's embarrassing and I'm not going to go into detail.  Suffice it to say I know that these are issues and I hope you will forgive me for not confessing them in detail. 

I said three, but there's more. Greed and envy.  These two go hand in hand.  I want to be content.  I want to be thankful for what I have.  I want to rejoice for those who are blessed, for those who have lovely things! Instead too often I feel jealous and want pretty, expensive, lovely, more too!  It doesn't make it okay to want it too.  It's still a sin. 

Laziness.  Yikes.  Another embarrassing one.  This is one I am tackling now along with clutter and messiness which do go along with that.  I've come a long way but I've got a long way to go too.  Again, this is critical for me to teach my children. Or rather, teaching them to NOT be lazy is critical. 

Reading The Screwtape Letters along with a portion from a book by Elisabeth Eliot has motivated me to do something about these things.  To not try to ignore them or forget them or just whine about them even if the whining is to myself. 

Back in November I started with Sparkpeople.com and loved it.  I'm back from vacation and back on to the site.  Except today I was lazy and didn't exercise.  Tomorrow I will!  I also relaxed and ate junk. Again. *sigh*  Please, Lord, tomorrow I will do better. 

Two years ago Tim and I started reading Dave Ramsey and agreed to use his principles.  Well, two years later we're going to start again.  I have started.  Budget is made.  Money is allocated to specific places, purposes.  Boring, scary, but done. 

I've rejoined Flylady and started the day with a shiney sink today.  I also checked out character training by Character First and talked with the girls about Orderliness today.  It's our theme for the month.  I along with them will be choosing some goals, and working on implementing good habits. 

If you've read this far, thank you!  That's pretty much it.  I'm exhausted now and ready to sleep.  Goodnight.