Can I change? This is on my mind right now. As I mentioned in my last blog I read through a devotion journal and saw that my struggles then are still my struggles now. So my thoughts have turned to wondering if what I've believed to be true really is. That God changes people. Does he? Always?
Because from where I'm sitting, I'm sincerely wanting to change, and have been for 10 years. The same desire to change the same things. Working on it, praying about it, feeling like there is hope and then I turn around and look and nope, not really a change. Same issues.
So is it me? Is there something wrong with me? I don't have enough faith, or I don't want it enough? Is it God. Does he really promise to change people?
Right now I keep flipping mentally back to Paul. His thorn in the side. God didn't remove it from him. Whether that thorn was physical, or spiritual is highly debated. Regardless, he wanted it gone and God didn't move it.
If these things that I want to change, and they are things that would be good change, haven't changed after so long trying will they ever? If you've read this blog at all you can probably name them. The big 3. My handling of money, my weight and my diligence with teaching the girls.
Is there hope? Right now I just don't know. I'm swinging back and forth between my upbringing which says, "Of course! There is always hope! God changes hearts." and my reality right now which is, "Nope. I don't see evidence for me that I can or will change permanently."
Not a fun place to be but here I sit. Here I think. I want my faith that I can change, back. But I don't want an empty, hollow faith in that, I want proof, real life evidence that I can and will change. It's the middle of the day so it's not a midnight mood. Hormones probably are playing a part, they always are, aren't they? Nonetheless this is where I am.