Deep inside I've longed to extra good at something. I've dreamed of discovering something no one else has ever found or thought of before. I wanted to be the BEST at something, anything. But my reality is I'm really good at being average at a lot of things. Yet inside there is still a desire for more, to be more.
Sometimes that desire feels like pride. When I think less of others and more of myself it IS pride. But pride and desire are twisted here and I haven't been seeing clearly. Earlier this week I started reading a book called Made To Crave and today's chapter was Made for More. It struck a chord in me. YES! My heart cried out, yes, please. I have felt this way for so long!
Tired of failing and yet too stubborn to give up completely I had come awfully close, am still awfully close to the edge of just that. I've failed for thirty-some years. My want-to has gone rogue. But still my heart longs to be more. To belong.
Ephesians 1:17-19 says, "I keep asking that the God our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."
The emphasis are mine. Paul kept asking. PAUL kept asking. Paul, who God appeared to, who was so good at being God's that he sometimes annoys me, kept asking. He didn't stop. He didn't just ask once. I'm not annoying him by continuing to ask, and unlike me when my kids pester, he's not sick of hearing from me.
"So that you may know him better" this is also my prayer. Please, can I know you? I am so distrustful of touchy feely churchy things right now but still my heart longs for all that I've been taught to be real. If He does want to be known by me and not just those elite perfect ones, then I am willing and do want that too!
Open the eyes of my heart Lord is a song I still love to sing despite how old it is. Please do enlighten the eyes of my heart, let me see the hope that you've called me to. Riches of his glorious inheritance and his great power sounds almost to good to be true. I'm going to walk this way, talk this way and pray this way though.
If I can win just a few battles. If I can get some success instead of failure under my belt. If He will grant me the wisdom, courage, and strength to defeat some of the strongholds in my life I know that my faith will be restored. Perhaps even rebuilt is a better term for it. So my prayer for today is that the eyes of my heart will be enlightened. That I will see Him and learn more of Him, not just about Him. I believe that I am made for more.