Shake my world.

     A week ago today the doctor told me that what I'm dealing with isn't in my head, isn't uncommon and can be worked with, although not cured per say.  My world shifted when I realized that my eating has to change not because I want to be thin and healthy but because what I'm eating is literally making me sick. 

     Over this past week I've fought with emotions ranging from frustration to hopelessness.  I will not die because of this, it's not terminal like so many cancers or diseases.  It's a minor thing really.  Except when it's not.  I've felt afraid to eat because now I know that it truly IS what is making me hurt. What can I eat without feeling pain?  This is my new adventure.

     It's a good thing I prefer water to any other beverage.  But oh how I will miss coffee.  Already the smell of it makes me long for a sip.  I could have it. Like I said, it won't kill me.  But if I don't have it I will feel better.  What a horrid choice.  On top of that I need to give up chocolate.  Chocolate.  Did you read that? 


CHOCOLATE!

    I confess I am still trying to adjust to that reality and I'm not sure I can do that permanently.  I've often said if I were allergic to chocolate I'd be a lot thinner.  Well, I'm not allergic but when the choice is feel sick or feel well it is certainly a little different than before when I knew I should choose not to eat it but the consequences seemed minor.  
    
     This weekend we celebrated my husband's parents 50th wedding anniversary.  They hosted a pig roast.  There were delicious salads, cookies, and cake.  It was a lovely party.  I didn't eat any of the treats I brought and even stayed away from my potato salad.  The night before I had two bites and was paying for it on Saturday.  Two bites!  I guess God is trying to wake me up to the fact that this is real and it's time now for me to deal with it.  

     Last night we came home from dinner and playing games at some new friend's home.  Tim checked the messages and our world shook again.  Our good friend's brother had died that afternoon unexpectedly.  He was in his mid forties and has two children close in age to ours.  Much too young to be gone. 

     We held each other a little tighter last night.  Today I am even more mindful of how blessed I am with my husband and how fragile life really is.  I am thankful Phil was a Christian and that he is not separated from his loved ones forever, but the pain for the ones left behind is staggering.

     I pray that his wife and children will draw close to God through this and that He will comfort them.  It has already sent me into the Bible to seek comfort and I am merely an acquaintance of the immediate family.  Today I am mourning with them though and praying for their comfort as the reality of life without their husband, father, brother and son continues to shake their world.

    

Life at our house.

The colorful lights on our Christmas tree are glowing in the semi-darkness of our living room.  The tree is enormous, so much bigger than it looked in the parking lot of the grocery store where we bough it.  I think it doubled in size on the way home.  It's a gorgeous blue spruce that makes me a little sad that it's only going to be beautiful a few weeks longer. 

When we first were married I loved decorating our tree with the ornaments from our wedding.  All burgundy and gold and green.  Gold bows and white lights looked so pretty and together.  Over the last twelve Christmas's (we didn't even have a tree our first year in our home, but we had two at our wedding!) we've added childish ornaments.  Handmade angels, snowmen, stars, and a special ornament picked out each year for each of the girls.  That makes up a lot of ornaments.  None of them match, but they are all a fun memory of a year gone by.  This year thanks to a good friend the girls and I have an ornament purchased at Disney, in remembrance our family vacation last year.  (The one I wish we were experiencing again! lol)

On the top of the tree is my daughter's red angel.  She loves it.  It fits, so it's there.  My gorgeous angel with brocade and gold lace is too tall with this tree to fit. 

On our coffee table are not one but two nativity scenes all with the glass figures centered around the baby in the manger.  The angel, my tree topper angel is looking down on all of them. 

There are five stockings strewn around the room.  My youngest is so curious as to what I will put in hers and what I will put in daddy's and can she help? (no, lol)  There are gifts already wrapped and under the tree and I have more in my room waiting to be wrapped.  It's a bit of a mess out here and I'm too tired to clean it up right now.

So blessed. 

My three beautiful girls are watching television with their daddy. They are cuddled around him on our bed.  I think now it's Myth Busters.   My youngest was out here in the living room with me for awhile, playing game on my phone. 

Thirteen years ago I dreamed of today and had no idea what it would really be like.  It's not what I hoped, not what I expected.  Rarely are the things God gives me actually what I thought I wanted.  Sometimes it's better, and sometimes I'm disappointed.  But for better or worse, this is where we are today, now.  Where will I sit thirteen years from now? My heart trips as I think of that and I push the thought aside.  I don't want to know. I just want to enjoy today and wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Thirteen years ago today was the last day of my life as Sara Burks.  Thirteen years ago tomorrow I became Sara Adams.  So blessed.