A week ago today the doctor told me that what I'm dealing with isn't in my head, isn't uncommon and can be worked with, although not cured per say. My world shifted when I realized that my eating has to change not because I want to be thin and healthy but because what I'm eating is literally making me sick.
Over this past week I've fought with emotions ranging from frustration to hopelessness. I will not die because of this, it's not terminal like so many cancers or diseases. It's a minor thing really. Except when it's not. I've felt afraid to eat because now I know that it truly IS what is making me hurt. What can I eat without feeling pain? This is my new adventure.
It's a good thing I prefer water to any other beverage. But oh how I will miss coffee. Already the smell of it makes me long for a sip. I could have it. Like I said, it won't kill me. But if I don't have it I will feel better. What a horrid choice. On top of that I need to give up chocolate. Chocolate. Did you read that?
I confess I am still trying to adjust to that reality and I'm not sure I can do that permanently. I've often said if I were allergic to chocolate I'd be a lot thinner. Well, I'm not allergic but when the choice is feel sick or feel well it is certainly a little different than before when I knew I should choose not to eat it but the consequences seemed minor.
This weekend we celebrated my husband's parents 50th wedding anniversary. They hosted a pig roast. There were delicious salads, cookies, and cake. It was a lovely party. I didn't eat any of the treats I brought and even stayed away from my potato salad. The night before I had two bites and was paying for it on Saturday. Two bites! I guess God is trying to wake me up to the fact that this is real and it's time now for me to deal with it.
Last night we came home from dinner and playing games at some new friend's home. Tim checked the messages and our world shook again. Our good friend's brother had died that afternoon unexpectedly. He was in his mid forties and has two children close in age to ours. Much too young to be gone.
We held each other a little tighter last night. Today I am even more mindful of how blessed I am with my husband and how fragile life really is. I am thankful Phil was a Christian and that he is not separated from his loved ones forever, but the pain for the ones left behind is staggering.
I pray that his wife and children will draw close to God through this and that He will comfort them. It has already sent me into the Bible to seek comfort and I am merely an acquaintance of the immediate family. Today I am mourning with them though and praying for their comfort as the reality of life without their husband, father, brother and son continues to shake their world.