The thought of who I want to be, the kind of person I want to be, the type of mom, wife, friend, Christian has been on my mind a lot lately. For years I have considered the type of wife, mom, friend, Christian I should be. There is a difference.
Considering who I should be comes from guilt, or less vile sounding from a sense of responsability, and sometimes just as harsh, a sense of expectation. Shoulds are hard to live up to and when failure to meet up to should comes it leaves a bitter taste and a long memory. Shoulds oppress and force by fear of failure, resignation and emptiness.
Today I am taking time purposely to think about who I want to be.
I want to be organized and to live in a tidy home. Even typing that made me smile. Being a sentimental, things bring back memories, book addict woman means I gather clutter almost as fast as I give it away. Living in a home with four others who are themselves clutter getters, some senitimental over things (of course not the same ones I am which means theirs are silly ha ha) means organization and tidiness are on the edge of what we live in.
I want to have an open heart and open home where friends new and old love to gather and know they are welcome. I want to think of others before myself and without envy. To be content with where we are, what we have, and how we are doing without comparing to anyone else to judge exactly how good I have it.
When my girls are grown and gone it would please me for them to look back and think they had a fantastic childhood in a warm and loving home. That they not only thrived but enjoyed our homeschooling adventures. There is so much I long to give them and offer them and it is a struggle to not let the frustration, disappointment and even anger at our inability to do so overtake me.
When people think of me I'd like for them to see someone who is different in a good way. Someone who is happy, thankful, peaceful and different. I'd like to tame my tongue. To be strong enough to hold back the sarcasm, the negative, the biting words that bring a laugh at someone else's expense. I'd like to build people up and never participate in tearing them down. I'd like to be the one others know they can trust.
I started this morning reading Ephesians 3, 4 and 5. I planned to read 4 when I sat in my chair but found myself flipping back to 3 to start and then continuing on to 5. How then shall we live? seems to be the question Paul is answering. I'm going to continue reading those chapters this week and think about them. There are too many verses to quote all the ones that caught my attention but I want to share the one that originally did a week ago.
Ephesians 4:1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. *emphasis mine* Wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, woman of God. This is the calling I have received. Homeschooling our children this is the calling I have received. Am I living a life worthy of such?