Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dr. Pepper is not my friend.

I do hope this is not going to become a habit!  This blogging when I should be sleeping.  I love to sleep.  This afternoon while eating a jalapeno popper I needed a drink so I grabbed a Dr. Pepper, purchased for our entertaining today and because I really really like Dr. Pepper!  If I had thought to look at the time perhaps I would've grabbed a rootbeer or even a glass of water. That would've been wise!  But I didn't. I popped the top, enjoyed the fizz and drank a fully caffeinated Dr. Pepper at around 6 p.m. tonight. Or last night rather since it's past midnight here.

At eleven o'clock or so tonight I did turn my light off.  I said goodnight to my chatting buddy. Then as soon as my eyelids met my brain began to race.  When is the last time you wrote down your spending?  This is something I've been doing for a month and plan to continue ad naseum.  It doesn't matter right now!  I told myself but I disagreed. It does! You can't even remember the last time and it's been a spendy couple of days.  Your purse is right there with notebook, just grab it and jot them down.  Like it's that easy.  Like I remember exact amounts or have all the receipts IN my purse.  I squish the thoughts and press my eyes tightly shut. 

My thoughts twist to the week ahead.  Swimming tomorrow, do I run or exercise or read my book and sit in the hot tub while the littlest is busy?  Then Wed. I'm off too, yippee! a mini-date with dh.  Ugh, but then four days in a row of work!  Ya know, you might only work 4 ours next Saturday, not a whole day. This is enough for me to grab my calendar and attempt to read in the non-existant moonlight if that is true.  I can't see so I flip the light on.  Bummer. Nope, full shift on Sat. but a 4 hour shift on Sun! That's something! 

My eyes glance at my Bible. The one with my maiden name on the front.  I could read it, but why?  I notice the green notebook behind it.  It has quiet time notes in it from 2007.  I flip through a few pages and read.  I could've written them today, or yesterday, or six months ago, or a year ago.  My fear is that they will all still be true that same amount of time ahead.  So I voice my frustration to God. How come I haven't changed?  Have I even a little?  WHY are these struggles still my struggles? Why haven't you made me perfect yet. Errrr, or at least made me better?  It feels so hopeless. 

I don't really hear an answer so I flip the notebook and notice the list at the end.  A list of shared goals with my chatting buddy I was talking with earlier tonight.  I think to myself that I will talk about those with her tomorrow.  Our friendship bloomed from the desire for accountability to work on the issues that are still issues today.   Five minutes have passed and suddenly I just don't feel sleepy.  I remember my original thought of jotting down spending amounts. 

So I grab my purse and slip out to the living room.  Then I decide I want the workbook we're going through.  I make photocopies of the workbook pages so I can use them to see in front of me.  The perfectionist in me wants the pages to stay pristine and white, no pencil marks!  But I also want paper and pencil in front of me, doing stuff on the computer is great for somethings but for finances, I need both!! The computer AND pencil and paper. 

So here I sit now.  I've filled out the Quickie Budget somewhat.  I'll go over it with Tim tomorrow.  Oh, and I did go ahead and fill in the spending on the pages of my notebook for that purpose.  I feel better now and even a little sleepy.  Perhaps now that I've done these little things my brain will let me sleep.  Perhaps tomorrow there will be progress.  Goodnight!

1 comment:

  1. oh sara. i love you. so much. i love your late night ramblings and the randomness of your thought processes.

    you are such a wonderful joy-giver:).