Dr. Pepper is not my friend.

I do hope this is not going to become a habit!  This blogging when I should be sleeping.  I love to sleep.  This afternoon while eating a jalapeno popper I needed a drink so I grabbed a Dr. Pepper, purchased for our entertaining today and because I really really like Dr. Pepper!  If I had thought to look at the time perhaps I would've grabbed a rootbeer or even a glass of water. That would've been wise!  But I didn't. I popped the top, enjoyed the fizz and drank a fully caffeinated Dr. Pepper at around 6 p.m. tonight. Or last night rather since it's past midnight here.

At eleven o'clock or so tonight I did turn my light off.  I said goodnight to my chatting buddy. Then as soon as my eyelids met my brain began to race.  When is the last time you wrote down your spending?  This is something I've been doing for a month and plan to continue ad naseum.  It doesn't matter right now!  I told myself but I disagreed. It does! You can't even remember the last time and it's been a spendy couple of days.  Your purse is right there with notebook, just grab it and jot them down.  Like it's that easy.  Like I remember exact amounts or have all the receipts IN my purse.  I squish the thoughts and press my eyes tightly shut. 

My thoughts twist to the week ahead.  Swimming tomorrow, do I run or exercise or read my book and sit in the hot tub while the littlest is busy?  Then Wed. I'm off too, yippee! a mini-date with dh.  Ugh, but then four days in a row of work!  Ya know, you might only work 4 ours next Saturday, not a whole day. This is enough for me to grab my calendar and attempt to read in the non-existant moonlight if that is true.  I can't see so I flip the light on.  Bummer. Nope, full shift on Sat. but a 4 hour shift on Sun! That's something! 

My eyes glance at my Bible. The one with my maiden name on the front.  I could read it, but why?  I notice the green notebook behind it.  It has quiet time notes in it from 2007.  I flip through a few pages and read.  I could've written them today, or yesterday, or six months ago, or a year ago.  My fear is that they will all still be true that same amount of time ahead.  So I voice my frustration to God. How come I haven't changed?  Have I even a little?  WHY are these struggles still my struggles? Why haven't you made me perfect yet. Errrr, or at least made me better?  It feels so hopeless. 

I don't really hear an answer so I flip the notebook and notice the list at the end.  A list of shared goals with my chatting buddy I was talking with earlier tonight.  I think to myself that I will talk about those with her tomorrow.  Our friendship bloomed from the desire for accountability to work on the issues that are still issues today.   Five minutes have passed and suddenly I just don't feel sleepy.  I remember my original thought of jotting down spending amounts. 

So I grab my purse and slip out to the living room.  Then I decide I want the workbook we're going through.  I make photocopies of the workbook pages so I can use them to see in front of me.  The perfectionist in me wants the pages to stay pristine and white, no pencil marks!  But I also want paper and pencil in front of me, doing stuff on the computer is great for somethings but for finances, I need both!! The computer AND pencil and paper. 

So here I sit now.  I've filled out the Quickie Budget somewhat.  I'll go over it with Tim tomorrow.  Oh, and I did go ahead and fill in the spending on the pages of my notebook for that purpose.  I feel better now and even a little sleepy.  Perhaps now that I've done these little things my brain will let me sleep.  Perhaps tomorrow there will be progress.  Goodnight!

Goal Met!

Today I made my first goal! I have officially lost 10lbs.  I can book my pedicure.  :D  Only, now I don't want to quite yet.  Funny how that goes, eh?  I want a reason to have had a pedicure. 

I needed that this week.  It was beginning to feel like I'd never make it.  It started to feel like the change wouldn't be happening.  Then I stepped on the scale and it said what I've been waiting to see.  200.4  I started at 211 on January 11th.  That is 5.02% lost!! 

Did you know that weight loss without exercise can actually be up to 25% muscle loss?  I didn't but it sure does make me glad I am exercising and building muscle.  Hopefully I'm building a lot of muscle.  That's what the strength training is supposed to be all about.  That and definition.  I'd love to actually LOOK strong instead of fluffy.

I'm making it at least two miles a day for cardio.  It's either on the treadmill or on the elliptical.  Today I walked over half of the two miles but I had adjusted the incline and usually I leave that flat.  I pushed it with the Strength Training circuit today too.  I'm slowly but surely getting there.  Now if only my body would hurry up and change so I can see it!!! LOL

Sara

Week 3 BLAH

BLAH stands for Biggest Loser At Home, in case you were curious.   Yesterday was our week 3 weigh in and while I wasn't thrilled with my 2.5lb loss originally I have come around to seeing it as the positive it is.  In three weeks I have lost 7.5lbs which is an average of 2.5lbs per week.  If I continue with that average, by the time warm weather hits, 20 weeks from now, I will be AT MY GOAL! That would be June 23rd. 

In case you are thinking "She's crazy, it's warm before then!" Let me remind you that I live in Ontario and that this past summer it most certainly was not. LOL  It is spring like weather but it is not really warm weather.  Not the "I'm hot" kind of weather.  Besides, don't wreck my thinking.  HA HA! 

By my birthday in April I can achieve 180lbs.  It's been nearly 5 years since I last saw 180lbs and I didn't get to stay there very long.  This time I'm playing for keeps.  My birthday is not that far away.  I can so do this!

Oh, and back to the Biggest Loser At Home update.  I am in the top 10!!  I would love to make it into the top 5 but right now it is filled with some very hard working women.  I've got my work cut out for me.  I'm holding my breath that I can really win this.  Inside I believe I can but I'm afraid to believe too hard.  Regardless if I win the money or not I will have won so much!  But the money is a lovely thought, a truly wonderful, "Just think what curriculum I could buy with that! And maybe a pair of jeans too!" thought.  It's fun to imagine.  But day dreaming won't get me where I want to be.  My actions will. 

So here's to actions that speak louder than my words!! Here's to Ipods and TobyMac.  Here's to friends and family who encourage!  Here's to God who not only put the desire in my heart but set plans in motion that I would never have dreamed of asking for.  Thank you!! 

Riding the Waves of Life

There is so much spinning through my mind at the moment.  My current life, the past, the future.  What I am doing, what I wish I'd done, what I want to do.  It's like being on a carousel.  It's pretty and sprakling and fun but a little bit scary too.  It's going nowhere and not getting anything accomplished really.  Except when you get off, and things steady you can see clearly again. 

I've surrendered myself to the knowledge that life is not a constant except in the fact that it is constantly changing.  Now that I've admitted that I'm learning how to surf.  Because honestly, that's how I see life, like a big ocean and we're riding the waves.  This is evident in my everyday life as well as the big picture life. 

I'm heading into the part of the month where I feel like I'm finally thinking clearly.  I can work quickly and effectively.  I look forward to this part of the month and I'm sad to feel it leave.  I try to hang on but no matter what it still slides away into feeling tired and like I can't get anything done or make good decisions.  Knowing this and knowing that the thinking clearly time is coming I can hang on!  Don't worry, I'm not clinically depressed.  I'm a woman, and that's the way I am.

So today, I've embraced it!  The upstairs bathroom is clean.  Our room looks better than it has since we came home from our trip.  The girls have worked on their rooms and are currently still working.  Two are in the kitchen.  This month we're focusing on Orderliness and it was certainly time to get back into living it instead of just talking about it.

Yet in another part of my life, the homeschool part, today I hit a wall.  I saw it coming.  I did everything I could think of to avoid it.  But today I hit it. Hard.  So our school today is life lessons.  Learning to clean your room, sort your books, help with laundry, do the dishes until they are DONE, not just until the dishwasher is full.  Important things for my daughters to know so they can be competent adults.  I know I can't stay here at the wall banging my head for long.  I wouldn't want to if I could.  I don't really like it here. 

It's January.  That's not an excuse but it is a reality.  The reality is that every January I hit this same wall.  I do think this year I came upon it slower and with less force than previous years.  I'm confident we will bounce back faster as well.  Because I do not want to stay here.  I want to keep moving.  I want to be faithful!  I want to be responsible.  I want to do my job well and hear God say to me, "Well done! You have been a faithful servant."  

There is another part of my life that needs some work.  My role as wife, as Tim's partner, his friend.  I've been coasting a bit and I miss "us" desperately.  I need some "us" time beyond after the girls are in bed.  We didn't really get that even on our vacation.  No one's fault, it just didn't happen.  So I'm working on a few ideas on how to fix that.  I have yet to figure out who to ask but I'm planning to book a sitter for a good part of Saturday.  I'd love to run away for the weekend.  I have it off.  But that's not likely to happen this time.

Now it's time for me to go put the potatoes on to boil and open the corn and beans for supper.  I know no ones really reading this, but it helps me to think it out.  It helps me to know I have written this down so I can come back and do a check to see how I am doing. 


On with life!

Beginning Again, Again.

I went back to the first blog I posted here and wanted to cry and laugh.  It could've been written today or last month, or six months ago.  Please God, let it not be true six months from now.  The mental image of a hamster running on a wheel and getting nowhere fast until she's exhausted comes to mind.  The past two years have been like me on a wheel.

Today I started again again, again.  God's mercies are new everymorning.  His faithfulness stretches to the skies.  What is man that He is mindful of him?  He created the stars that sing his praise, he created birds that have beauty beyond anything man has yet created who sing his praise.  And then there's me, and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I know that full well. 

Today I stepped on the scale and I am so thankful that last night I had already set in motion goals, plans, incentives for the next 15 weeks.  That number was higher than my starting point back in November.  I could've cried and felt defeated but I didn't.  Instead I felt immensely grateful that I do have a plan in place, I do have incentives for motivation and people who will encourage me. 

Today I simply made one choice at a time.  I climbed onto the treadmill, turned on my music and started walking.  It felt GOOD.  It felt incredible.  I am so glad I did it, and so thankful for the hot tub after! 

Isn't it interesting how life is continually shifting and changing and yet all we need to do is each day take one moment, each decision at a time?  Homeschooling is like that too.  The entire book looks daunting, but one page or section a day, one chapter a week and little by little you make your way through.  Until at last you reach the end and the goal is met.  The kids know how to identify birds and insects.  The little one who struggled to sound out three letter words is reading compound words with ease.  Take it bigger, the entire IDEA of teaching your children yourself is daunting, but breaking it down into small goals, daily, then weekly, then monthly, before hitting yearly and before you know it you've got five years under your belt and all the kids are thriving.  Praise God.  He is enough. 

So I've made some small goals.  I've made daily, weekly and monthly goals that will carry me through to the end of April.  I think my husband may just have a major incentive in store for me come Easter.  He wants to take me home.  Home meaning Illinois.  Maybe. 

See, he doesn't have any strings on that.  I'm attaching strings.  He wants to take me home, but how sweet it would be to be able to go home healthy, or healthier.  So in my mind I'm making that another reason to succeed.  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I have bins full of clothes waiting to fit me.  I have pretty skirts and cute jeans.  I have outfits! 

In fact I have a hot red dress I've never worn.  It's been to Mexico, it's been to Paris, France.  I've never been those places but my red dress has!  It's gorgeous and flattering and if I persevere, putting that red dress on, looking fabulous and wearing it for my sweet husband would absolutely make my day. 

Proverbs 12:11 says 11 A hard worker has plenty of food, but a person who chases fantasies has no sense.  Seeing my success in my head and not working towards it won't get me any closer to the goals I have made. 

Now, it's time for me to get some rest so I can do my best again tomorrow.  Goodnight.