Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Too much.

There is so much going on in my head right now. I can't even separate it out into nice tidy blogs because there's too much and it's all mixed together.  I'm thankful that in a few minutes the girls and I are going to a friends house just to hang out and play.  I think I need it. 

My head is pounding.  Stress is hovering and pushing down on my shoulders and back.  Interesting how something not physical can literally weigh you down. 

I have so much to be thankful for.  There is so much I am thankful for.  I still want to scream STOP! And have a week, a month, a year to straighten things out, fix things, make them work properly.  But that's not the way life goes.  Hang on, work as you run ahead to tomorrow.  Try not to screw it up like yesterday.

The sermon Sunday was about forgiveness.  About how Christ's death on the cross once and for all healed that break between God and man, if we will just accept it.  There will still be consequences on earth, humans are not God and do not  grant immediate and full forgiveness.  I appreciate the reminder that in God's eyes I am forgiven because in my own I am condemned.  Again and again, beaten, broken and unworthy. 

On the outside I look calm for the most part. I work to keep a sembelance of cheerfulness (fake it til ya make it!).  Inside  my head, my heart, my spirit though I can feel a tightening like a spring pushed down just before it releases. 

When there's too much I'm overwhelmed and paralyzed.  Too much to deal with? Just shut down and run on autopilot.  And my too much is so little compared to so many.  Here comes another cycle of guilt for the very thought of not being content and strong in my reality. 

Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your trust in God.  Put your trust in God.

I will put my trust in God. 

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