There is so much spinning through my mind at the moment. My current life, the past, the future. What I am doing, what I wish I'd done, what I want to do. It's like being on a carousel. It's pretty and sprakling and fun but a little bit scary too. It's going nowhere and not getting anything accomplished really. Except when you get off, and things steady you can see clearly again.
I've surrendered myself to the knowledge that life is not a constant except in the fact that it is constantly changing. Now that I've admitted that I'm learning how to surf. Because honestly, that's how I see life, like a big ocean and we're riding the waves. This is evident in my everyday life as well as the big picture life.
I'm heading into the part of the month where I feel like I'm finally thinking clearly. I can work quickly and effectively. I look forward to this part of the month and I'm sad to feel it leave. I try to hang on but no matter what it still slides away into feeling tired and like I can't get anything done or make good decisions. Knowing this and knowing that the thinking clearly time is coming I can hang on! Don't worry, I'm not clinically depressed. I'm a woman, and that's the way I am.
So today, I've embraced it! The upstairs bathroom is clean. Our room looks better than it has since we came home from our trip. The girls have worked on their rooms and are currently still working. Two are in the kitchen. This month we're focusing on Orderliness and it was certainly time to get back into living it instead of just talking about it.
Yet in another part of my life, the homeschool part, today I hit a wall. I saw it coming. I did everything I could think of to avoid it. But today I hit it. Hard. So our school today is life lessons. Learning to clean your room, sort your books, help with laundry, do the dishes until they are DONE, not just until the dishwasher is full. Important things for my daughters to know so they can be competent adults. I know I can't stay here at the wall banging my head for long. I wouldn't want to if I could. I don't really like it here.
It's January. That's not an excuse but it is a reality. The reality is that every January I hit this same wall. I do think this year I came upon it slower and with less force than previous years. I'm confident we will bounce back faster as well. Because I do not want to stay here. I want to keep moving. I want to be faithful! I want to be responsible. I want to do my job well and hear God say to me, "Well done! You have been a faithful servant."
There is another part of my life that needs some work. My role as wife, as Tim's partner, his friend. I've been coasting a bit and I miss "us" desperately. I need some "us" time beyond after the girls are in bed. We didn't really get that even on our vacation. No one's fault, it just didn't happen. So I'm working on a few ideas on how to fix that. I have yet to figure out who to ask but I'm planning to book a sitter for a good part of Saturday. I'd love to run away for the weekend. I have it off. But that's not likely to happen this time.
Now it's time for me to go put the potatoes on to boil and open the corn and beans for supper. I know no ones really reading this, but it helps me to think it out. It helps me to know I have written this down so I can come back and do a check to see how I am doing.
On with life!