It was a mixture of old and new, of my past and of my future hopes and dreams. We were moving into a new house, except it wasn't a new house to me. It was a house I lived in as a little girl. I walked through the rooms with my mom exclaiming about how much had stayed the same and marvelling at the differences.
Awake I can think of the dream and see where my imagination changed the rooms to what I'd like them to be, not what they really were or are. In my dream the crawlspace that went beside the two upstairs rooms was large enough to stand up in and make a play area for the girls. The closet was a walk in and yet, I know for truth it is not. I suspect if I were to go inside the house today I would really be surprised by how small it is.
It didn't feel small then. The upstairs room with windows overlooking the front porch, the one where I saw an owl one Christmas Eve sitting looking back at me from its perch on the electrical wire, is likely not as spacious and big as I remember. The bathroom may still be pink downstairs, I'd be more surprised if it wasn't! The room at the front with the door from the porch where Dr. Sarah Miller used to see patients while her husband was pastor of the church next door isn't really large enough for bunk beds and a desk, despite my dream. Although my concern about my youngest going out that door would be a real concern.
It was a pleasant dream and I woke up with a hopeful feeling despite it not being true. We're not moving. I don't get to stop working because we moved somewhere that costs lots less to live. But I'm hanging onto the positive feelings because they are there and I need them. I need the hope.
It also reminded me that my children don't see our home with the same eyes I do, or the yard either. It doesn't look as small as it is to them the way it does to me. They likely don't feel crowded or even deprived of what I'd like to give them. They know the difference between our house and Grandmas in Illinois, the meadow in between must feel like an entire mile of space! They may wish for a swingset, room to put a swimming pool and other typical kid wish things but I hope that when they are grown up they will remember happy times and think with joy back to our days in this home.